3 Reasons People Pleasing Is A Super Power You Can Be Proud Of
STOP PEOPLE pleasing (along with ditch the negative people) seems to be the trend for entrepreneurs these days, but have you paused to question whether you are a “people pleaser” or just a lovely, kind person??
At the heart of “people pleasing” is a desire to be accepted, liked, maybe even loved, but going out of your way to do lovely things that you want to do for people is NOT “people pleasing.”
Doing things that “please people'“ is a superpower if it’s genuinely about:
1) Compassion | Kindness
2) Empathy | Support
3) Connection | Community
Being a people pleaser could mean you are highly attuned to the needs of your clients. I remember passing the bread basket to a colleague at a work lunch. He looked perplexed that I knew he wanted it when he hadn’t uttered a word.
It was blinking obvious to me; he had a bowl of soup in front of him, but instead of picking up the spoon he’d put butter on his bread knife! He wasn’t even aware he’d done it!
That’s not being a people pleaser; he wasn’t EATING MY bread roll. I wasn’t on the verge of passing out through starvation. It took an extra 15 seconds to pass him the bread basket. It was polite and considerate. I wasn’t putting my needs last; nothing about that was people pleasing, but some might say it was.
This idea that you have to PUT YOURSELF first ALL THE TIME is bordering on narcissism. We don’t need to be selfish and ONLY look out for #1.
We just need to make sure we do always look out for #1, and when it feels good and we have the reserves, we also offer to whoever is #2.
I hear constant references to a feeling that there’s a ‘lack of REAL community these days’ - maybe we just need to start being a bit nicer!! I dropped a container of soup to my neighbour before Christmas, and put her bin back into her drive last night. That’s called being neighbourly!
If you’re reading this blog chances are you’re already an awesome person but constantly being told you’re a people pleaser, or that you should stop might be kicking you where it hurts.
I AM a bloody lovely person. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. I will cross the road to help a little old dear cross back, not for approval, not to “be seen” to do it, but because I CARE, and I know you do too.
Are you a people pleaser (or are you just lovely?)
If you answer YES to more than a couple of these questions your actions might be a little off balance.
Do you find yourself agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do?
Do you apologise profusely if you cannot do something you ordinarily would agree to do?
Are you preoccupied by what your clients might think about you if you say no?
Do you avoid saying NO because you are scared of the repercussions?
Do you feel resentful or drained by some of the client or customer related work you agree to?
Is “me time” always at the bottom of the pile and frequently sacrificed to meet someone else’s needs?
Do you struggle to meet your own needs or ask for support?
Do you feel scared at the prospect of a client or friend not ‘being happy’ with you?
Are you only agreeing to do things to avoid conflict?
If you’re an overt people pleaser based on the answers you gave above, it can take its toll on your own wellbeing, and be a strong indicator that you could do with being more loving towards yourself and recognise that YOU DESERVE time and space for you, and to not always be at the beck and call of other people.
If you are aware that you frequently feel taken advantage of it’s time to explore your thinking (especially your beliefs which are just THOUGHTS that you have reinforced so often they feel like FACTS).
Need to shift away from people pleasing (and still be lovely)?
Set clear boundaries (see this blog) For example I don’t accept phone calls after 8.30pm unless there’s an emergency (that’s how old I am now!!)
PAUSE before you agree or make a change to existing plans. Let the client know that you’d like some TIME to consider what’s best.
Agree to HELP or do change plans IF you want to but not because you feel scared to disagree. Don’t give your power away.
Start off saying NO to small things. For example if it really doesn’t suit you to meet at 11.30am instead of 12noon say NO. Offer an alternative ONLY IF it also works for you.
Healing your people pleasing tendencies isn’t ME FIRST, it’s ME TOO.
Remember that…
Not everyone will LIKE YOU. Not everyone likes me and that’s a good thing because it shows that I am being TRUE TO ME. YOU, be true TO YOU.
Trying to CONTROL every single client outcome is exhausting, distressing and draining. Whatever the outcome, you’ll deal with it! Nobody ever died because they said no to running an errand, going to a party, or taking on someone else’s mess!
Setting boundaries and trusting that it’s safe for you to speak your mind creates strong and healthy relationships (if it doesn’t those relationships need a shake up!).
Your desires are NOT wrong, they might be different to other people’s but that’s because YOU are your own person.
Have you been a people pleaser in the past? Are you one now? you ready to start to shift those dynamics so they are healthier and more fulfilling? I’d love to know! Shout out if you’d love some support to do that (the ripple effect in your life is IMMENSE!!)
Remember that supporting your friends, family (and colleagues) is an act of kindness and demonstrates that you know how to function and build healthy relationships. It is NOT the same as people pleasing.
Be true to you.
Come over and share your thoughts on Facebook (remember, only if YOU want to, not because I said!!).
Sophia xx
PS - Want to know more about setting good personal boundaries? Check out this blog.
